Sam the Farmer woke one gray Nebraska morning to the sound of thunder. It was raining, and there would be no working in the fields that day. Sam thought of how he could be productive. He leaned over to ask his wife, Maggie, but she was still asleep. He kissed her on the cheek and went back to sleep. He would think about it after sunrise.
Gary the P popped in his CD. It was all over. His dubstep'n remix of Boston's 70s hit anthem "More Than a Feeling" was sure to disappoint even the most musically inept ears; It seems Stan "Skrillex" Devlin had him beat. The song began and suddenly, something miraculous happened! Bass drops occured in all the right places! Scratches and sweeps and phases and loops happened left and right in perfect synchronicity! This was a miracle! The song was so good that even the Devlin's henchmen were "getting down"!
Gary the P knew the fate of Mayor Wes the Triumphant rested in his hands. The score was 2-to-2 in the game, and his and Stan Devlin's DJ Remix Battle would either save or condemn the mayor. It was tense.
"Foolish child," Stan said pretty awesomely, "Have you no idea who I am?"
"Say what?" said Gary the P in an impression of Brutus from Shakespeare's Julius Caesar.
The Eyes of Nahim
A buzzer sounds somewhere off into the distance. It's time to act. Stan is counting on me. Can't fail. For Quiznos. For life itself. Karen is my opponent. Good thing she's just working for us and she's going to blow the match against me. Betrayals... Classic! I think I love her... Maybe she would say yes if I proposed! We could have a family and a life beyond this mafia! How rad would that be?! We could move back home to Uzbekistan and have many herds together. That'd be the life! ... Yeah...
guys. Jared here. Since Jake and I have created the most convoluted,
incomprehensible narrative in the history of literature (glossing over
Twilight, of course), I'm taking the opportunity to do a quick recap of
characters and events so you guys don't get too lost in our final
chapters. Here we go:
Calara donned her body armor and dual-wielded her hammer and sickle, prepared for combat with Reginabeth the Big A. Reginabeth, meanwhile, was having her coffee while sharpening her Battleaxe of Doom (Damage Threshold of 24 Hit Points) on her Grindstone of Machine Guns (A convenient hybrid device that sharpens blades and shoots bullets). Gary the P was still reeling in his betrayal.
Calara was on her knees crawling towards Gary the P covered in the blood of a thousand lost souls. Gore poured off of her like molten lava from an exploding volcano. Sweat dripped from her pores drenching her in a paste of perspiration mixed with the blood gushing out her of her many lacerations and open wounds. Bone sticking out of her skin, she struggled, gasping for air, towards the arms of her dear friend, Gary the P, to find solace from the torturous agony she was experiencing from the knives stuck into her chest. She was on the last leg of her journey. Darkness was closing in. It was all over for Calara.
Karen's broadsword was drawn. Charlie the A was nervously sweating. Gary the P watched anxiously. Hubert was somewhere watching. And Calara was nowhere to be found. Stan was somewhere. It was the perfect storm, so to speak.
Dear confused readers,
Part 18 is to be read after Part 19 for reasons explained in the post entitled "Concerning Part 18". However, the events in Part 19 occur AFTER the events in Part 18 chronologically. I hope this alleviates the confusion.
Jake "The writer who was on time"Smith
"Are you getting sick, Gary the P?" Calara hiccuped, as she had realized that she couldn't leave Gary the P by himself with a mute person and had driven back.
For those keeping track, it may appear that this section has come out of nowhere as it bears no resemblance to the events that transpired at the end of the previous portion of the story, but since my co-writer neglected to write Part 18 yesterday, I have only been able to make assumptions of the actions that occurred during the previous section. Don't worry, Jared will fill in the blanks with a make-up Part 18 as soon as possible. Thank you kindly.
Charlie was in trouble!! The timer was ticking and Gary the P had to find some way to save him before the bomb detonated leaving Charlie a pile of gut-ridden paste on the ground before him! But with Calara still gone, Gary the P had no idea how to execute the rescue! In fact, even if Calara had been there, Gary the P still probably wouldn't have known what to do, but there would at least have been someone else in the room who actually had a properly-functioning (now hyphenated) brain to create a solution.
Apparently, Part 18 of our heroes' quest was so uneventful that the irresponsible writer, Jared, did not even bother to write about it. To both our readers and our characters, I sincerely apologize for my cowriter's lack of competence. We will continue with part 19 shortly.
Gary O'the P lept out of the shower with such fury that he inspired Irish rock band Thin Lizzy to write a song about it. It goes like this:
Gary the P!
Gary the P!
Gary the P!
Gary the P!
Oh, Gary the P!
(Thin Lizzy never won very many awards...)
In the three went to the Springfield City Hall! Upon their arrival, they were greeted by Karen the Receptionist who acted as if she were not a part of an at-large criminal organization.
"Hello. I am not a criminal. Welcome to Springfield City Hall!" she cascaded.
But Calara saw right through this ruse. "Shut it, Karen! Where's the mayor?" she garbled.
Shedding her facade (pronounced "Hurricane"), she spoke, "Listen Miss High and Mighty, the mayor is in a meeting right now with a very important client, and he can't be disturbed so get outta here pretty princess before I call the police."
[The stage lights back into clarity and the orchestra dies down as the spotlight pans to our heroes and Charlie from Dom DeLuise's trek back to Springfield on Gary the P's motorized Big Wheels. The orchestra begins to perform an energetic tune in the key of F major as our heroes have gained a new motivation for saving the mayor; they have learned that a mafia is also on his trail.]
A light! Calara saw a light! As she opened her eyes, the white glow of an overhead light was all she could make out. Then everything came into focus and she realized that she was in a small, dank chamber with all the stereotypical dripping pipes, nonexistant windows, and doors that seemingly lead off into infinity. She turned her head around and noticed that, rather stereotypically, Gary the P was tied to the back of her chair in his own little chair, and, not surprisingly given his usual level of brain activity, he was still unconscious. Calara knew she had to escape, but the problem was that she didn't know where in the world she was, I mean presumably somewhere near Springfield since that's where they were last, but for the sake of drama she had no clue! She began to scan the room for some means of escape until she finally had a flash of genius (as she has been wont to do). Calara reached into her pocket as best she could and pulled out the pocketknife that the authors placed in her pocket for exactly this kind of situation! It was at this point that she realized she was bound by handcuffs...
Stan Devlin looked at his watch. It seemed to be 1:00 A.M., but he didn't trust it. He was in his office playing with his toy cars. Toy cars were a guilty pleasure for Stan. He preferred Matchbox, but he would play with some Hot Wheels every now and then. He was about to make a tiny F150 jump the ramp over the alligator moat to save the princess, when all of the sudden two men rushed into the office.
"Ay, Boss, we got some baaaaad news!" a large Jewish man bellowed.
Gary the P and Calara slunk off to the closest New Balance store which was located some 200 miles outside of Springfield (or whatever town they were in). Upon entering the store, they were told to leave by security as it was now 1 AM. Never to be hindered, however, the two made camp outside the store where they would continue their investigation come the time that the sun rises from the western sky. Meanwhile, the two decided to have a talk in their tent which they had the entire trip... I swear.
"Calarara, thank you so much for helping me achieve my destony," Gary the P said with a slight hint of a lisp.
Ignoring his unfortunate verbal mispelling of the word destiny for the umpteenth time, Calara responded. However, there is no record of what she said at this point.
Sam woke up early one morning on his farm located about 50 miles out of Lincoln. It was Monday and it was the time of season to begin harvesting crops to take to the market, so Sam arose at this early hour to get a jump-start on the work. For hours that morning he toiled away in his fields and harvested much corn. In fact, the corn he harvested was in a greater quantity this season than it had been in any season of past years.
Through the eyes of Hubert Everything was going according to plan. Three mayors with 3 letter names and titles of nobility were dead and only one remained. There was just one kink in the plan... That boy... and... That girl... (Gary the P and Calara). Hubert knew he needed to hatch a plan to stop these fiends from disrupting everything he'd worked for in this life! But how...
In fresh pursuit of Hubert, our heroes sped down the interstate on their tugboat/drag-racer hybrid. Judging by the clues left on his ransom note, the two used deductive reasoning and came to the conclusion that, based on a tested hypothesis and proven theory, the next place Hubert was going to strike was Springfield, Missouri (or Texas).
Gary the P and Calara loaded into their minivan and sped off to Estacada intent on apprehending Hubert before he could kill another mayor. Unfortunately, Gary the P took a wrong turn on the Interstate and the 2 ended up in Phoenix, Arizona. Blessedly though, this was another potential murder site for Hubert! Gary the P loaded up the high-powered rifle he kept under his driver's seat and chambered a round. Calara gasped.
And they were off! With recent leads on their new suspect, Gary the P's senile grandfather who resides at the Sweet Holy Moses Retirement Center for the Dying Folk, or SHMRCFTDF for short (pronounced Shmuh-rec-fit-deff), Gary the P and Calara were about a mile (1.6 km) (1600 meters) (1,600,000 centimeters) from their new suspect, Gary the P's senile grandfather who resides at the Sweet Holy Moses Retirement Center for the Dying Folk.
Gary the P was in full-on detective mode! He was on the trail! This "Hubert" had to be stopped at all costs, and only Gary the P and his faithful friend Calara could stop him! But what to do next?! They had a codename, a list of targets, and they even had the new Android smart phone from AT&T now featuring an unlimited data plan at only $25.00 a month! Sign up today at www.att.com or visit your local AT&T store for details!
The next morning, Gary the P called Calara to set up some investigation details.
"Calara! If we're gonna gonna catch the criminal, we need to get a move on! They could be anywhere!" he exclaimed. It's worth mentioning that Gary the P was, at that point, wearing three pairs of pants.
"Gary the P, it's two AM. I've been asleep for two hours. Why come?"
"Because he could have killed literally millions of other people by now! Come on! It's our duty!"
As an aside before we begin, I'd like to say that if you notice any plot inconsistencies, they are, in fact, plot inconsistencies. After a 5 hour stint in the hospital to repair his bleeding hand and a one-hour conference with the principle telling him never again to return to the high school seeing as how he graduated 3 years prior and he was breaking the law, Gary the P began to formulate a plan for how to solve the murder of the mayor of the city of Seattle. He sat and pondered for a few hours before getting an angry call from his boss reminding him that he missed work and that he was fired. Gary the P shrugged and sat slouchily and thank some more. Later, at approximately 6:52 PM, Gary the P had an epiphany! He was very hungry! So he called up Calara to plan a dinner date "get-together".
Before I start writing the second part to this sure-to-be-classic, let me apologize in advance for the literary pile of dump you will be reading for the next month instead of regular blog posts. Also, since we were both too lazy to start yesterday like we planned, we're just going to do two today. Onward!
Gary the P looked closer at the dead body of Mayor Bob the Righteous. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary, other than the fact that he was less than alive. However, when Gary the P closely examined Mayor's forehead, he saw something he was sure could only be seen by trained professionals. A massive bullet hole was taking the place of Mayor's trademark three eyebrows.
Ok, before we get started with what is sure to be our most massive and broad-scoped failure yet, let me give you all a quick synopsis of the idea here. Jared and I have decided to write a Murder Mystery story all throughout the month of January posting one section of the story each day. But here's the catch: Only one person will write a day and we will alternate days. We are not allowed to reveal ANY details of our ideas for the story to one another (including who we think the killer should be) at any time for any reason. It's kind of like the Whose Line? game 3-headed singer where each person sings one word of a song before deferring to the next. In other words, this will be literary crap! But if you're willing to stick with it... Well, then congratulations, you stuck with it! (PS, despite what the date says, this was written on January 1st!)