Wednesday, April 25, 2012

A Play by Jared Seale

Instead of taking notes, I conjured up this little masterpiece in Biology.

A Play by Jared Seale
By Jared Seale


Wednesday, February 1, 2012

The Continued Adventures of Sam the Farmer

Sam the Farmer woke one gray Nebraska morning to the sound of thunder. It was raining, and there would be no working in the fields that day. Sam thought of how he could be productive. He leaned over to ask his wife, Maggie, but she was still asleep. He kissed her on the cheek and went back to sleep. He would think about it after sunrise.

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Murder Mystery: The Credits

I believe that cast credits are due since the people who were a part of this entire experience were an amazing team.

Monday, January 30, 2012

Part 30: The Grand Finale

With a new super-antagonist, our heroes and other antagonists had no choice but to team up to take him down.

"Guys," Batman growled, "this Joker is no joke."

"...That was really lame, Batman." Gary the P said.

"Yeah, leave the puns aside." Calara also said.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Mystery of the Murdered Man Part 29 (Finale Pt. 1)

Gary the P popped in his CD. It was all over. His dubstep'n remix of Boston's 70s hit anthem "More Than a Feeling" was sure to disappoint even the most musically inept ears; It seems Stan "Skrillex" Devlin had him beat. The song began and suddenly, something miraculous happened! Bass drops occured in all the right places! Scratches and sweeps and phases and loops happened left and right in perfect synchronicity! This was a miracle! The song was so good that even the Devlin's henchmen were "getting down"!

Saturday, January 28, 2012

The Penultimate Part to the Penultimate Part, Part 28

Gary the P knew the fate of Mayor Wes the Triumphant rested in his hands. The score was 2-to-2 in the game, and his and Stan Devlin's DJ Remix Battle would either save or condemn the mayor. It was tense.

"Foolish child," Stan said pretty awesomely, "Have you no idea who I am?"

"Say what?" said Gary the P in an impression of Brutus from Shakespeare's Julius Caesar.

Friday, January 27, 2012

Murder Mystery Part First Person (27)

The Eyes of Nahim
A buzzer sounds somewhere off into the distance. It's time to act. Stan is counting on me. Can't fail. For Quiznos. For life itself. Karen is my opponent. Good thing she's just working for us and she's going to blow the match against me. Betrayals... Classic! I think I love her... Maybe she would say yes if I proposed! We could have a family and a life beyond this mafia! How rad would that be?! We could move back home to Uzbekistan and have many herds together. That'd be the life! ... Yeah...

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Part 6x^2 = 2(78)x . Solve for x.

There was total stillness. Everyone stared at The Caped Crusader, their jaws dropped and shoulders unaligned.

"Batman?" Gary the P said with amazement.

"That's right, kid." Batman growled. "You needed help, and I'm here to do just that."

"But how did you know we were here?" Calara asked judgmentally.

Quick Recap

Hey guys. Jared here. Since Jake and I have created the most convoluted, incomprehensible narrative in the history of literature (glossing over Twilight, of course), I'm taking the opportunity to do a quick recap of characters and events so you guys don't get too lost in our final chapters. Here we go:

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Here's Part 25. It's the Murder Mystery. Written in Haiku.

In honor of it having recently been the Chinese New Year, I've decided to write today's section of the murder mystery in the Japanese poetry style, Haiku. Enjoy.

Gary the P hurts
Reese and Calara then went
To aid their dear friend

The villain lives on
Though Gary keeps hitting her
The endless cycle

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Part 24: Sponsored by Wikipedia

45 seconds earlier...

Reese Witherspoon plopped in her armchair, grabbed the latest edition of Nintendo Power, took a sip of her diet corn syrup, and began to read up on the latest news in gaming.

"Oh, sweet!" she said when she read that the new Wii U console will feature an HDMI 1.4 port as well as an IBM Power Architecture-based multi-core 45 nm microprocessor.

Monday, January 23, 2012

Welcome... To Part 23...

Calara donned her body armor and dual-wielded her hammer and sickle, prepared for combat with Reginabeth the Big A. Reginabeth, meanwhile, was having her coffee while sharpening her Battleaxe of Doom (Damage Threshold of 24 Hit Points) on her Grindstone of Machine Guns (A convenient hybrid device that sharpens blades and shoots bullets). Gary the P was still reeling in his betrayal.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

oʍʇ ʎʇuǝʍʇ ʇɹɐd 'ʎɹǝʇsʎɯ ɹǝpɹnɯ

Gary the P and Calara stood silent.

"Mom!?" Gary the P said unsilently.

"You seem so surprised!" Reginabeth said casually. "Did you not see the signs?"

Gary the P racked his brain. It all seemed so clear now... 

Saturday, January 21, 2012


Calara was on her knees crawling towards Gary the P covered in the blood of a thousand lost souls. Gore poured off of her like molten lava from an exploding volcano. Sweat dripped from her pores drenching her in a paste of perspiration mixed with the blood gushing out her of her many lacerations and open wounds. Bone sticking out of her skin, she struggled, gasping for air, towards the arms of her dear friend, Gary the P, to find solace from the torturous agony she was experiencing from the knives stuck into her chest. She was on the last leg of her journey. Darkness was closing in. It was all over for Calara.

Friday, January 20, 2012

It's The Murder Mystery, and It's Part 20

Karen's broadsword was drawn. Charlie the A was nervously sweating. Gary the P watched anxiously. Hubert was somewhere watching. And Calara was nowhere to be found. Stan was somewhere. It was the perfect storm, so to speak.

"It's time." Karen said severely.

"Time for what?" Charlie said jitterily. 

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Part 18: The Lost (Forgotten) Episode

Dear confused readers,
 Part 18 is to be read after Part 19 for reasons explained in the post entitled "Concerning Part 18". However, the events in Part 19 occur AFTER the events in Part 18 chronologically. I hope this alleviates the confusion.


Jake "The writer who was on time"


"Are you getting sick, Gary the P?" Calara hiccuped, as she had realized that she couldn't leave Gary the P by himself with a mute person and had driven back.

On the 19th Day of Murdering Many Twists Were Revealed

For those keeping track, it may appear that this section has come out of nowhere as it bears no resemblance to the events that transpired at the end of the previous portion of the story, but since my co-writer neglected to write Part 18 yesterday, I have only been able to make assumptions of the actions that occurred during the previous section. Don't worry, Jared will fill in the blanks with a make-up Part 18 as soon as possible. Thank you kindly.

Charlie was in trouble!! The timer was ticking and Gary the P had to find some way to save him before the bomb detonated leaving Charlie a pile of gut-ridden paste on the ground before him! But with Calara still gone, Gary the P had no idea how to execute the rescue! In fact, even if Calara had been there, Gary the P still probably wouldn't have known what to do, but there would at least have been someone else in the room who actually had a properly-functioning (now hyphenated) brain to create a solution.

Concerning Part 18

Apparently, Part 18 of our heroes' quest was so uneventful that the irresponsible writer, Jared, did not even bother to write about it. To both our readers and our characters, I sincerely apologize for my cowriter's lack of competence. We will continue with part 19 shortly.

Thank You,

(Letter from the Jared)

My bad.

Thank you,

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Murder Mystery - Part 17: Irish Edition

Gary O'the P lept out of the shower with such fury that he inspired Irish rock band Thin Lizzy to write a song about it. It goes like this:
Gary the P!
Gary the P!
Gary the P!
Gary the P!
Oh, Gary the P!
(Thin Lizzy never won very many awards...)

Monday, January 16, 2012

Still the Murder Mystery: Part 16

Our heroes were on their way to Springfield for about the third time now. Becoming increasingly frustrated, Calara punched the dashboard of the biplane they were traveling in.

"What's wrong with us, guys? It's like we're dragging this out on purpose! Ugh... we have to stop Hubert before he gets to Springfield!"

Charlie nodded, but Gary the P became slightly annoyed.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Mystery of the Murdering Part 15

In the three went to the Springfield City Hall! Upon their arrival, they were greeted by Karen the Receptionist who acted as if she were not a part of an at-large criminal organization.

"Hello. I am not a criminal. Welcome to Springfield City Hall!" she cascaded.

But Calara saw right through this ruse. "Shut it, Karen! Where's the mayor?" she garbled.

Shedding her facade (pronounced "Hurricane"), she spoke, "Listen Miss High and Mighty, the mayor is in a meeting right now with a very important client, and he can't be disturbed so get outta here pretty princess before I call the police."

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Murder Mystery Scene 14

[The stage lights back into clarity and the orchestra dies down as the spotlight pans to our heroes and Charlie from Dom DeLuise's trek back to Springfield on Gary the P's motorized Big Wheels. The orchestra begins to perform an energetic tune in the key of F major as our heroes have gained a new motivation for saving the mayor; they have learned that a mafia is also on his trail.]

CHARLIE: So what have you guys found out so far?

Friday, January 13, 2012

Murder Mystery: Friday the 13th Edition! (Part 13)

A light! Calara saw a light! As she opened her eyes, the white glow of an overhead light was all she could make out. Then everything came into focus and she realized that she was in a small, dank chamber with all the stereotypical dripping pipes, nonexistant windows, and doors that seemingly lead off into infinity. She turned her head around and noticed that, rather stereotypically, Gary the P was tied to the back of her chair in his own little chair, and, not surprisingly given his usual level of brain activity, he was still unconscious. Calara knew she had to escape, but the problem was that she didn't know where in the world she was, I mean presumably somewhere near Springfield since that's where they were last, but for the sake of drama she had no clue! She began to scan the room for some means of escape until she finally had a flash of genius (as she has been wont to do). Calara reached into her pocket as best she could and pulled out the pocketknife that the authors placed in her pocket for exactly this kind of situation! It was at this point that she realized she was bound by handcuffs...

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Chapter XII, The Twelfth

Stan Devlin looked at his watch. It seemed to be 1:00 A.M., but he didn't trust it. He was in his office playing with his toy cars. Toy cars were a guilty pleasure for Stan. He preferred Matchbox, but he would play with some Hot Wheels every now and then. He was about to make a tiny F150 jump the ramp over the alligator moat to save the princess, when all of the sudden two men rushed into the office.

"Ay, Boss, we got some baaaaad news!" a large Jewish man bellowed.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

11th Part of the Murder Mystery That Jake Smith and Jared Seale Are Writing

Gary the P and Calara slunk off to the closest New Balance store which was located some 200 miles outside of Springfield (or whatever town they were in). Upon entering the store, they were told to leave by security as it was now 1 AM. Never to be hindered, however, the two made camp outside the store where they would continue their investigation come the time that the sun rises from the western sky. Meanwhile, the two decided to have a talk in their tent which they had the entire trip... I swear.

"Calarara, thank you so much for helping me achieve my destony," Gary the P said with a slight hint of a lisp.

Ignoring his unfortunate verbal mispelling of the word destiny for the umpteenth time, Calara responded. However, there is no record of what she said at this point.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Murder Mystery Part 10.5

Through the eyes of Sam from Nebraska

Sam woke up early one morning on his farm located about 50 miles out of Lincoln. It was Monday and it was the time of season to begin harvesting crops to take to the market, so Sam arose at this early hour to get a jump-start on the work. For hours that morning he toiled away in his fields and harvested much corn. In fact, the corn he harvested was in a greater quantity this season than it had been in any season of past years.

It's Mysterious! Part Murder, the Tenth

With Jack and Franklin in a pile of two bodies on the floor, Gary the P and Calara made a dashing escape, interrupted briefly by Gary the P's untimely attempt at a surprise piggyback.

"Alright, where do we go now?" Calara panted, as they had just sprinted five miles in a general direction.

"C'mon! There's no time to lose!" Gary the P shouted.

"That didn't even come close to answering my question."

Monday, January 9, 2012

Mystery of the Murdered Man: Part Nein

Through the eyes of Hubert

Everything was going according to plan. Three mayors with 3 letter names and titles of nobility were dead and only one remained. There was just one kink in the plan... That boy... and... That girl... (Gary the P and Calara). Hubert knew he needed to hatch a plan to stop these fiends from disrupting everything he'd worked for in this life! But how...

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Murdery Myster Part 8: Character Development

In fresh pursuit of Hubert, our heroes sped down the interstate on their tugboat/drag-racer hybrid. Judging by the clues left on his ransom note, the two used deductive reasoning and came to the conclusion that, based on a tested hypothesis and proven theory, the next place Hubert was going to strike was Springfield, Missouri (or Texas).

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Why I Love Bon Jovi: An Essay jk... Murder Mystery Part S7v7n

Gary the P and Calara loaded into their minivan and sped off to Estacada intent on apprehending Hubert before he could kill another mayor. Unfortunately, Gary the P took a wrong turn on the Interstate and the 2 ended up in Phoenix, Arizona. Blessedly though, this was another potential murder site for Hubert! Gary the P loaded up the high-powered rifle he kept under his driver's seat and chambered a round. Calara gasped.

"HUUUUUUH!" Calara gasped.

Friday, January 6, 2012

The Murder Mister E. Part Sixx

And they were off! With recent leads on their new suspect, Gary the P's senile grandfather who resides at the Sweet Holy Moses Retirement Center for the Dying Folk, or SHMRCFTDF for short (pronounced Shmuh-rec-fit-deff), Gary the P and Calara were about a mile (1.6 km) (1600 meters) (1,600,000 centimeters) from their new suspect, Gary the P's senile grandfather who resides at the Sweet Holy Moses Retirement Center for the Dying Folk.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Mysterio de los Muertes Part Cinco (5)

Gary the P was in full-on detective mode! He was on the trail! This "Hubert" had to be stopped at all costs, and only Gary the P and his faithful friend Calara could stop him! But what to do next?! They had a codename, a list of targets, and they even had the new Android smart phone from AT&T now featuring an unlimited data plan at only $25.00 a month! Sign up today at or visit your local AT&T store for details!

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Mystery of the Murder, Part 4our

The next morning, Gary the P called Calara to set up some investigation details.

"Calara! If we're gonna gonna catch the criminal, we need to get a move on! They could be anywhere!" he exclaimed. It's worth mentioning that Gary the P was, at that point, wearing three pairs of pants.

"Gary the P, it's two AM. I've been asleep for two hours. Why come?"

"Because he could have killed literally millions of other people by now! Come on! It's our duty!"

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Mureder Mystery Pt. (Part) III (3)

As an aside before we begin, I'd like to say that if you notice any plot inconsistencies, they are, in fact, plot inconsistencies.

After a 5 hour stint in the hospital to repair his bleeding hand and a one-hour conference with the principle telling him never again to return to the high school seeing as how he graduated 3 years prior and he was breaking the law, Gary the P began to formulate a plan for how to solve the murder of the mayor of the city of Seattle. He sat and pondered for a few hours before getting an angry call from his boss reminding him that he missed work and that he was fired. Gary the P shrugged and sat slouchily and thank some more. Later, at approximately 6:52 PM, Gary the P had an epiphany! He was very hungry! So he called up Calara to plan a dinner date "get-together".

Monday, January 2, 2012

Murder Mystery Pt. 2

Before I start writing the second part to this sure-to-be-classic, let me apologize in advance for the literary pile of dump you will be reading for the next month instead of regular blog posts. Also, since we were both too lazy to start yesterday like we planned, we're just going to do two today. Onward!

Gary the P looked closer at the dead body of Mayor Bob the Righteous. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary, other than the fact that he was less than alive. However, when Gary the P closely examined Mayor's forehead, he saw something he was sure could only be seen by trained professionals. A massive bullet hole was taking the place of Mayor's trademark three eyebrows.

The First Annual Long Band Names Winter Murder Mystery Pt. 1

Ok, before we get started with what is sure to be our most massive and broad-scoped failure yet, let me give you all a quick synopsis of the idea here. Jared and I have decided to write a Murder Mystery story all throughout the month of January posting one section of the story each day. But here's the catch: Only one person will write a day and we will alternate days. We are not allowed to reveal ANY details of our ideas for the story to one another (including who we think the killer should be) at any time for any reason. It's kind of like the Whose Line? game 3-headed singer where each person sings one word of a song before deferring to the next. In other words, this will be literary crap! But if you're willing to stick with it... Well, then congratulations, you stuck with it! (PS, despite what the date says, this was written on January 1st!)

"The Mystery of the Murdered Man!!!!!!!!!!"