Monday, January 23, 2012

Welcome... To Part 23...

Calara donned her body armor and dual-wielded her hammer and sickle, prepared for combat with Reginabeth the Big A. Reginabeth, meanwhile, was having her coffee while sharpening her Battleaxe of Doom (Damage Threshold of 24 Hit Points) on her Grindstone of Machine Guns (A convenient hybrid device that sharpens blades and shoots bullets). Gary the P was still reeling in his betrayal.

"It's on... Like a chicken bone," Reginabeth stated in a plain, matter-of-fact tone not unlike that of Ben Stein.

"You... wish," Calara borrowed from another novel hero.

The two charged at each other and met with a clash of ape fury in the middle of the warehouse roundabouts where a large piano had struck the ground a few minutes earlier. After tripping over the broken piano pieces and moving to a more suitable battle location, the fight would really commence.

"Wait!" Calara breathed. "Let's open up this pit!" Then they charged to the sounds of adorable hardcore music.

They met in the middle of their new designated battlefield with even more ape fury and fought it out for about 9 hours. All the while, Gary the P continued to reel.

The battle dragged on and on with blows being landed on both sides. Calara took several axe slashes and bullets, but she eventually recovered using her healing spells. Unfortunately, Reginabeth was also an expert mage so neither side gained much ground. Suddenly though, after 9 hours and 42 minutes of straight combat with only a brief halftime around the 4 hour mark, Reginabeth used her magic jammer bomb to jam Calara's magic causing her to be unable to heal. With a blow from the hilt of her battleaxe, Reginabeth knocked Calara to the ground, and, like all good villains, did not kill her immediately and instead decided to sit there gloating. Roundabouts this time, Gary the P lunged at the unaware former mother.

"YERG!" he groaned. Gary the P tackled Reginabeth to the ground and began to beat her, but she just kept healing herself with her cheap plot device magic! There was no way to defeat this monster! Calara was still wounded on the ground and Gary the P could only keep up the punching for so long. There had to be some way to stop her... Wait... That was it! Gary the P whipped out his phone with an immensely impressive hand motion while still punching with his off hand and hit speed dial number 9, a number which he had never called before. Could this be his savior?

"Hello? This is Reese Witherspoon."

"Mother. I need your help."


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