Saturday, January 21, 2012


Calara was on her knees crawling towards Gary the P covered in the blood of a thousand lost souls. Gore poured off of her like molten lava from an exploding volcano. Sweat dripped from her pores drenching her in a paste of perspiration mixed with the blood gushing out her of her many lacerations and open wounds. Bone sticking out of her skin, she struggled, gasping for air, towards the arms of her dear friend, Gary the P, to find solace from the torturous agony she was experiencing from the knives stuck into her chest. She was on the last leg of her journey. Darkness was closing in. It was all over for Calara.

Just kidding.
Calara was in fact covered with sweat, but only because she had just evaded Hubert's deadly traps by using her charming wit and ingenuity. How that helped her escape from murderous traps is beyond the author, but whatever.

"CARALALRA!!!!" Gary the P breathed.

"What?" Calara asked.

"I'm so glad you're still alive!!" Gary the P practically pooped.

Realizing that this was an appropriate time to embrace the protagonist, Calara was forced by the author  hugged Gary the P.

Surprisingly, Gary the P hugged back normally then said, "Enough embracing! We have to go catch Hubert!!... and the plethora of other villains we already know about..."

Overcome by Gary the P's use of the word plethora, Calara agreed, "I agree!".

The two blasted off in a fit of normal fury. They began scouring the warehouse they were in for some sign of Hubert... Some... Sign... They went up stairs and down stairs and through doors and also around columns. They went below catwalks and past windows, around poles and beneath scaffolding. They darted between walls and leaped above crates. They opened doors and shut others. They ate cupcakes and they wrestled sea lions. In the end though, they were down to just one room.

"Calara, whatever is within this chamber of our self-doubt, I want you to know something," Gary the P said.

Picking up on something odd, Calara responded, "Kay. And that is?"

Then Gary the P did something marvelous, but the author forgot what it was.

Then he spoke: "Calara, I am actually brilliant. I have a dual Ph. D in Abnormal Psychology and Social Sciences. I am a cello virtuoso and I am also able to play piano and bongos. I speak fluently in Croatian, Afrikaans, Dutch, Japanese, and several dialects of a language indigenous to several tribes in the Amazon. I am able to perform CPR and am a licensed lifeguard, and I also was an editor for the latest edition of Webster's dictionary. I'm sorry I lied to you all these years and pretended to be an idiot."

"            " said Calara.

"Oh and there's one more thing," he continued.

At this point, Gary the P removed his face mask revealing to Calara that he was a dashing, handsome hero something akin to a young Harrison Ford in the role of Han Solo. Calara somewhat fainted, but in a cute way.

After reviving Calara using practiced medical methods, Gary the P kissed Calara on the lips for around 20 seconds in the most passionate way imaginable. After the 20 seconds, he began to think that the kiss was distracting from the plot. He pulled Calara back gently and she stared longingly into his eyes. She was in love! For the first time in her life, she was in love!

"Now let's go catch us a dangerous criminal!" Gary the P said in perhaps the most epic way possible.

He slowly opened the door to the room. Hubert was there alright, in pure evil form, but even Gary the P couldn't have predicted who stood before him.

It was his mother, Reginabeth.

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