Friday, January 13, 2012

Murder Mystery: Friday the 13th Edition! (Part 13)

A light! Calara saw a light! As she opened her eyes, the white glow of an overhead light was all she could make out. Then everything came into focus and she realized that she was in a small, dank chamber with all the stereotypical dripping pipes, nonexistant windows, and doors that seemingly lead off into infinity. She turned her head around and noticed that, rather stereotypically, Gary the P was tied to the back of her chair in his own little chair, and, not surprisingly given his usual level of brain activity, he was still unconscious. Calara knew she had to escape, but the problem was that she didn't know where in the world she was, I mean presumably somewhere near Springfield since that's where they were last, but for the sake of drama she had no clue! She began to scan the room for some means of escape until she finally had a flash of genius (as she has been wont to do). Calara reached into her pocket as best she could and pulled out the pocketknife that the authors placed in her pocket for exactly this kind of situation! It was at this point that she realized she was bound by handcuffs...

Not to be deterred, Calara glanced through the author's computer screen and coughed expectantly. Getting the hint, the author turned the pocketknife into a bobby pin, and she began to pick the lock when suddenly the door to infinity opened. Standing before them was Stan Devlin (played by actor Cillian Murphy).

"I'll just take that bobby pin you've got there, Miss... Um, what is your last name?" he said... MENACINGLY.

"Rara" Calara Rara responded.

"Miss Rara. Now, I need you to answer some questions for me. If you do that for me, I'll kill you quickly he said while eating a subway sandwich," he said while eating a subway sandwich. Sometimes for dramatic effect, Stan liked to create his own dialogue descriptions.

Calara spit on his face.

Wiping his furrowed brow menacingly, Stan took another bite of his sandwich and started, "Miss Rara," then he finished, "How much do you know about the plot to kill the mayorres?"

"You're involved in that?!?!" Calara shouted in a fit of plot consistency.

"Oh... Um... Yes I am," Stan Devlin serenaded. "Same question," he finished again.

"Just that Hubert is going to kill the mayor of Springfield. Why do you ask?" she replied.

"Oh just so I can write down all the details into my 'How Sick and Twisted Are You: A Questionnaire. Question 5- How much about your plot did the protagonists find out about?'" Stan persuaded.

Then Gary the P woke up.

"Anyway," Stan continued, "That was my only question. Now I guess I have to kill you."

"CALARA, I LOVE YOU!" Gary the P bombasted.

"Not yet! We're only on Part 13!" Calara chided.

"Oh... Sorry," he remarked casually.

A black cat walked by. Then a ladder floated over Calara's head. Then a mirror broke because Gary the P looked in it. Then Gary the P kicked over a salt shaker that was by his feet, but he didn't throw salt over his shoulder because he was in handcuffs.

Then something ironic happened. There was a banging on the door.

"What is it?" Stan called.

No answer.

"Franklin, so help me God, if you're having another Bar Mitzvahrizzle!"

Then the door burst down in really cool flames and into the chamber, holding a gatling gun was, of all people, Charlie! The waiter from Dom DeLuise's Super Fantabulous Pizzeria in Seattle!

In a vaguely Cuban accent he shouted, "SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE MACHINE GUN THAT I HAVE NO RELATIONSHIP WITH!!!" and fired at Stan. Stan collapsed on the ground, a pool of mustard streaming beneath him.

"Come on, guys, we've got to get out of here!" he said whilst cutting the handcuffs with his pocket chainsaw.

"Who are you?" Calara asked appropriately.

"Charlie from Dom DeLuise's!" said Charlie from Dom DeLuise's.

"Wha-" Calara began, but stopped herself as she remembered who the authors of this story were. She then decided to just go with it.

Charlie uncuffed them and the three dashed off down the hallway stopping only when Gary the P realized that he was unconscious again. After reviving him, Charlie beckoned for them to continue. Soon, the three ran into a room full of mafia mobsters.

"OH! IT ABOUT TUH GET REAL UP IN HEAH!" Jack said, but not Franklin.

"Yeah Yeah," Franklin, inevitably added.

The two pulled out their spear guns, then a black cat walked in front of them and they realized they were holding their guns backwards just a little too late as they fired spears into their faces. Don't worry! The spear guns were set to stun, not kill! This is a children's story after all!

Not believing their luck, the three continued forgetting that there were still three other gang members to deal with: Nahim, Marcus, and Karen from Estacada City Hall. There was also a fourth one, but he was deleted by the author in another bout of fourth wall destruction, because the author forgot his name and was too lazy to check. (Note from the de facto editor, Jared, his name was Reggie. We're not getting rid of him quite yet.)

"STOP!" Nahim bellowed almost as menacingly as Stan would have.

"No you!" Charlie rebutted.

Flabbergasted, Nahim laid down his gun and put his hands behind his head. Karen and Marcus knew they didn't want to suffer the same fate as Nahim and ran full tilt out of the room.

Come on! We have to move! Charlie didn't say because that sentence wasn't in quotation marks! Duh!

"Come on! We have to move!" Charlie actually said this time.

"Where are we goinging?" Gary the P axed.

"To save a mayor," Charlie answered. Then the screen went black dramatically and the orchestra made epic sounds. Unfortunately, during the black screen of drama, some guy coughed.


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