Tuesday, January 29, 2013

We Give Up: The Credits

Sorry for putting this literary garbage in your reading eyeballs for the past month. Here's credit where credit is due.

 CAST (in chronological order of appearance): 

Sunday, January 27, 2013

Part 27: The Results of a Poorly Planned and Increasingly Hectic Writing Schedule/Plot Development

"Do you guys know what we need to do to stop Angelique?" The Rock asked the new group.

"I was wondering when you'd ask that," Joan Jett responded as if they had been a group for 26 parts.

"Herbert, do your thing," Chief said with a tone that implied a rich backstory between the five characters that has yet to be seen.

"Chewbacca!" Chewbacca chewbacca'd.

"Wombat powers activate!" Herbert shouted in Wombatese.

Saturday, January 26, 2013

Part 26: This is What Happens When We Get Lazy and Don't Write Our Parts of the Story, Jared

The entire nation of Gabon was now a nuclear wasteland because our 4 heroes decided to take a break during Part 25 instead of disarming the warhead that they were flying aboard. Angelique had succeeded at taking the lives of millions all because poor, little Jared didn't want to write at 10 minutes till midnight. I'm sure he's very happy right now.

Friday, January 25, 2013

Part 25: I Forgot I Had To Write Again Until 11:50 At Night Because I'm Stupid

The four heroes took a break from rescuing things and things and decided to take a nap. It was good, and there was much celebration and rejoicing.


Thursday, January 24, 2013

Part 24: Aftermath

After the fascinating, intriguing, exciting, game-changing, hideously entertaining, immensely anxiety-inducing, ferociously perfect events that transpired in Part 23, the team found themselves staring down the barrels of 4 harpoon guns.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Part 22: In 22 Words

The team gathered in the Middle East and fought Isaac, General, and FeLorbes. The battle was tough but our heroes won handily.


Monday, January 21, 2013

Part 21: The American Version

If you couldn't follow the version for our international crowd, mayhaps you'll enjoy this one instead.

"Abraham!" Skye shouted.

"What?!" Abraham shouted back, about 5 decibels louder.

"We lost them!" Skye shouted.

"Let's find them!" Abraham shouted back, about 6 decibels louder.

Part 21: An Episode For Our Foreign Audience

Since we have quite an audience in countries other than America (Russia), today's brief episode will be cycled through many languages in Google translate, then back to English, in order to guarantee your full understanding.

"Abraham," said Skye.

"What?" He cried again about 5 dB higher.

"We did it!" Sky cried.

"We'll find out?" He cried again about 6 dB higher.

Sunday, January 20, 2013

Part 20: Gratuitous Violence Supplied By Quentin Tarantino

Abraham looked at his hands tied up behind a chair in a dark chamber. He knew that his only chance of escaping this fortress was to use the stereotypical bobby pin that he had hidden up his sleeve to pick the lock of his handcuffs and then use the stereotypical knife he had hidden up his other sleeve to cut off the rope that was binding him and proceed to free his teammates. So, naturally, Abraham did this. He then proceeded to free LeForbes, Skye, and (after some hesitation) Officer.

"Alright, LeForbes. It's time to get inhumanly violent!" he said with a malicious grin.

Saturday, January 19, 2013

Part 19: Memento

Abraham sighed, accepting that he'd gotten himself into the worst situation imaginable. 

"Right. Well, might as well make yourself comfortable. We'll wait for Angelique's instructions to deal with you. My name is FeLorbes, and this is General, Skoo, and Isaac," he said, pointing to three other menacing looking accomplices. "Don't bother us if you know what's good for yourselves."

"Mmmphh... ffff..." Abraham struggled to say.

Friday, January 18, 2013

Part 18: Jake Has To Leave In a Few Minutes And Can't Write A Long Segment Today

Abraham's mission was to go to Moscow and access Soviet (yes, Soviet. I meant what I said.) satellites in order to find the precise location of Angelique's Siberian base. Abraham entered the Kremlin by pretending to be a Russian general because that worked in Mission: Impossible and looked like a fun thing to try. Once inside, he used high-tech holographic technology to make it appear as if the hallway he was infiltrating was empty, when in actuality, he was hiding behind a convenient screen. This idea, too, he got from Mission: Impossible.

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Part 17: I'm Putting Off Calculus Homework

Officer checked his watch for the thirtieth time, in disbelief that he had waited this long in line. The team had divided up four missions for them to go on separately, and Officer had been stuck with food duty. More unfortunately for him, it was free beans day at Wendy's and the entire city of Chicago had shown up.

"Yeah, I'll have a Frosty with a side of free beans, please." a customer miles ahead of Officer said.

"UGH." Officer thought to himself out loud.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Part 16: (or, Why Full Sentences Are Important)

Author's Note: Hark! Before I begin writing the 16th installment of this murder mystery I would like to say two things. First, I apologize for Jared's incorrect use of the word 'Prequel' in the subtitle for part 15 yesterday. He isn't that bright. Second, I would like to apologize for the fact that the winter murder mystery is in no way, shape, or form, a mystery. In an attempt to make up for the lack of intrigue, I have tried to make this section as mysterious as possible by omitting several key words. Exeunt.

LeForbes looked up at the... before him. It was... and he felt... about it. He knew that he had to go around this... to complete his part of the mission but he had not idea how he would best the... before him. He pulled out his God Boots and began scanning the options for some sort of tool that would help him to... or... which he deemed to be his two most valid options in this scenario. Eventually, he settled upon a... which he then used to... the... With great..., the... fell to the ground with a thud. LeForbes was victorious! Wiping the... from his brow, LeForbes pushed on into the... building so that he could retrieve the... which was an integral part of the mission to defeat Angelique.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Part 15: Part 14's Sequel, Yet Part 16's Prequel

Skye was running as fast as she could. She had gotten the laptop and passwords, but not before security noticed.

"I'll never forgive the rest of them for sending me on this mission..." she grumbled to herself.

The door at the end of the hallway was closing down fast, and Skye's legs felt like they were on fire. Pushing herself to her limit, she lunged for the door and slid underneath it right before it slammed shut, you know, the kind of scene you see in every action movie ever.

Monday, January 14, 2013

Part 14: Estacada (or, an Historical Account Located By the Post-War Colonial Excavation Corporation in the region Formerly Known as Oregon, New Washington, South Canada, and The Wasteland [now Ocean Colony]. Ca. 3013)

In the year 3013

Hezekiah had been working for the excavation corporation for about 12 years now, chipping away at stones searching for some kind of life, or at the very least something of value, underneath the barren wasteland of Ocean Colony. Unfortunately it was to no avail on most days. Typically, the 9-day work week ended with a few dug-up pieces of metal (usually shrapnel from the bombs) and no sign of any plant or small life form. However, Hezekiah had long since accepted that life in the Post-War Colonies was a fate only slightly better than death; these work days were but a blip on his emotional radar.

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Part 13: Royalties

Abraham had now successfully rescued LeForbes and Officer. He glanced down at the Wal-Mart™ brand paper that Angelique had used a Papermate™ brand pen to etch her instructions on.

I bet that last challenge just BLUE you away! 

Now that you've rescued two of you're pitiful friends, I'll assume you know how to reach your precious Skye. I did an evil laugh when I was writing that last sentence.

Yours in spirit,

Saturday, January 12, 2013

Part 12: Presented by Ernest Hemingway

The letter was white and was in Abraham's hands. He opened it. Officer looked on curiously. Abraham read aloud.

Friday, January 11, 2013

Part 11: Part 11

Realizing the this had basically turned into the plot of the Saw movie franchise, Abraham leaped across the Atlantic and landed knees first in the Mississippi Delta. Brilliantly, he had deciphered the hidden code in Angelique's letter (the six exclamation points at the end indicated that Officer was being held in the town of Greenville, MS).

Deep in the dark Greenville forest, Abraham came across a lone shack surrounded by LAVA!

"Oh no." Abraham said in the most deadpan way possible, as he stepped over the fiery lake (it was only an inch wide).

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Part 10.5

Sam the Farmer woke early one morning to begin loading his cart for the market. His wife, Maggie, assisted him in this endeavor since their farmhand had yet to arrive. She did not lift too many heavy things, because Sam was a gentleman and took the brunt of the work. Instead she lifted smaller boxes of corn. This year's harvest had been a good one, and Sam could not wait for the first day of the market in the town. It was always the highlight of his year. Many would come and many would buy his foods for a fair price. Sam made a good living at the market and lived off of this money for most of the year. This made it very important.

Part 10: Wherever I May Rove

Abraham looked around, frantically, wondering not only how he ended up on Mars but also at how he was managing to breathe. Abraham did not realize that science is optional in fiction. After thinking about his debacle for a good, long 7 Earth minutes (800 Mars minutes. Math is also optional in fiction), he decided that he should probably look for some way home so he could stop Angelique and save his "friends".

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Part 9: Waltz Edition

With Officer playing his pants-flute with all his might, the team danced into the warp zone to Angelique's base. Skye, Abraham, and LeForbes were expertly performing the Scandinavian Waltz as they kicked down the door on the upbeat of the 16th measure.

"Why are we doing this?" LeForbes boogied.

"Because Jared's friend hate's him." Abraham broke-the-fourth-walled.

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Part 8: Mogadishing Out the Pain

After strolling through Mogadishu and enjoying the sights and sounds of the lush and vibrant city, the group's acid trip finally waned and they realized that Mogadishu was actually God's inspiration for Hell. Disgusted at the filth in the streets and horrified by the senseless violence around them (which they had previously believed was a birthday parade for a famous author), the group quickly left for Bakool, a small province in southwestern Somalia.

Monday, January 7, 2013

Part 7: Birthday Special

"Crap!" said Jared, as he realized that he had forgotten to write the day's addition to the blog until less than an hour before midnight.

Mounted on LeForbes' skis, the team was circumnavigating the planet to find the distant, uncharted land of Somalia.

"There it is!" Officer said as he saw a landmass.

Sunday, January 6, 2013

Sixth Part: Midnight In Paris

At long last, after 24 hours, it was midnight again in Paris! The team was ready to charge into Angelique's base and engage in aggressive diplomacy, so they did.

"UNH!!!" Skye grunted as she kicked in the door (Skye plays tennis, too.)

Saturday, January 5, 2013

Part Cinco: The Plot Twist (Doesn't Happen Until Much Later)

The four members of the team (that would be Abraham, LeForbes, Officer, and Skye, in case you forgot, grandma) were waiting outside impatiently for the clock to finally strike 12:00 midnight.

11:59:00 P.M.

"Here's the plan, guys," Skye said as she unpacked hundreds of grenades, several large IEDs, and a handful of submachine guns (one submachine gun can fit into a hand), "We're going to go inside and use the oldest trick in the book."

"And what would that be?" Abraham asked calmly as he turned the last page in a British Literature textbook.

"Diplomacy," she responded, finalizing her arsenal with a sniper rifle and a scuba suit.

Friday, January 4, 2013

Mystery 2, Part 4: Lazy Day in Paris feat. Character Development

After finishing their 8 AM dinner at Le Thon Lusty, the team departed and set about to kill time until their scheduled midnight raid of Angelique's Parisian base of operations. It was a terribly dreary day in the city, and a hard rain was falling. Fortunately, LeForbes pressed a button on the back of his cowboy boots and suddenly four umbrellas were created using the boots' "Matter Creation Ray".

"Um?" questioned Abraham.

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Part 3: Crisis Alert!

It wasn't long until the motorboat ran out of gas, as the linear distance from Lake Michigan to Paris, France far exceeded the boat's expected one-tank distance estimation.

"What do we do now, guys? We're stuck miles away from shore." Skye smarmied.

"You guys didn't think I don't always come prepared, did y'all?" LeForbes contractioned. "Hop on my back."

Abraham, Officer, and Skye all perched upon LeForbes' shoulders as he took off his cowboy boots.

"Check it," he said. LeForbes is a black man, by the way. #diversity

He pushed a tiny red button on the heels of each shoe, and as if by magic or deus ex machina, water skis popped out. LeForbes let out a much anticipated "YEEHAW!" and sped off across the Atlantic.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

2nd Murder Mystery: Part 2nd

Greetings, readers! It is I, Jake, here to welcome you to my first portion of the 2nd Annual Winter Murder Mystery as well as to commend you for coming back a second time. Truthfully, that's about all I was prepared to type in introduction so forgive me but I'm going to write the actual story now.

Officer got Abraham's attention by blasting his sirens as well as the classic hit "Lovesong" by The Cure while hollering in Aramaic. Unfortunately for Abraham, he couldn't speak Aramaic so he sat for an hour before deciding that he should probably check to see who was outside his house.

"Here we go," Abraham here we go'd.

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

2nd Annual Murder Mystery: Part 1

Hello reader, and welcome to Monsieur Jake and Señor Jared's second annual murder mystery. In this installment to our "critically" "acclaimed" and best-"selling" fran"chi"se, you can expect nouns, adjectives, predicate nominatives, and even complex sentences! 

If you are unfamiliar with our unique and convoluted style of composing the story, Jake and I take turns each day for a month writing one part, not knowing what the other will write until it's published. Some say it's the greatest inventive writing style since Gandhi. Some say that.

Wishing you the best of luck comprehending the series,

Jared "Rembrandt" Seale