45 seconds earlier...
Reese Witherspoon plopped in her armchair, grabbed the latest edition of Nintendo Power, took a sip of her diet corn syrup, and began to read up on the latest news in gaming.
"Oh, sweet!" she said when she read that the new Wii U console will feature an HDMI 1.4 port as well as an IBM Power Architecture-based multi-core 45 nm microprocessor.
"Oh, honey! The phone's a-ringin'!" Reese's possibly redneck husband Jim Toth called from the foyer of her estate in Ojai, California.
Reese put down her magazine and walked to the nearest telephone, on her way passing her framed Blockbuster Entertainment Award she won for her performance in 1999's Cruel Intentions.
"Hello? This is Reese Witherspoon." Reese Witherspoon said.
"Mother," the other line said, "I need your help."
Reese always knew this day would come, ever since she had her now 21 year old child when she was... 14. (author's note: Didn't exactly think that one through.)
"Of course, Gary the P, what do you need?" Reese said boldly.
"How do you know who I am? I haven't even told you yet." Gary the P thrusted. Reese could hear battling in the background of Gary the P's line, almost as clearly as she had heard her name called for winning the Oscar at the 78th Academy Awards for her portrayal of June Carter Cash in Walk the Line.
"Honey, what's going on? I hear a ruckus." she said caringly.
"I'm in the middle of a fight, Mom! I need your help!" Gary the P explouded.
"I'll be right there." Reese said gutturally.
Reese glazed over to her teleportation machine that the government hands out to attractive actresses. She pressed several buttons in a moment of sci-fi blitz, and then...
Reese materialized in the warehouse next to Calara. She noticed that Calara was hurt, and proceeded to belt out the lyrics to Al Green's Simply Beautiful. Due to the healing properties of groovy soul music, Calara's wounds healed in a matter of seconds.
"Wow... thanks, Mrs. Witherspoon!" Calara said gleefully.
"Ain't nothin' but a thang." Reese said without linking.
"C'mon, Mrs. Witherspoon, we have to help Gary the P! He needs us now more than ever!" Calara spoked.
"I was having a lot of fun, but I'm having even more fun now.” Reese quoted.
And the two moved forward, to end this once and for all.
TO BE CONTINUED BY JAKE "JARGON HOPPER" SMITH