Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Murder Mystery - Part 17: Irish Edition

Gary O'the P lept out of the shower with such fury that he inspired Irish rock band Thin Lizzy to write a song about it. It goes like this:
Gary the P!
Gary the P!
Gary the P!
Gary the P!
Oh, Gary the P!
(Thin Lizzy never won very many awards...)

Upon emerging from the bathroom, he came upon Calara "Belfast" Rara screaming ferociously as an abnormally giant cockroach was approaching her at high speeds! It was about the size of a satchel of Irish potatoes!! Gary O'the P knew he must act so he rolled up his sleeves and bum rushed the giant cockroach and attempted to break its spine. Then Gary O'the P remembered from his Biology classes that Genus precedes Species in Binomial Nomenclature and also that Metaphase is the third stage of mitosis. Wondering why the roach's spine would not break, he remembered back to a movie called Schindler's List, starring famed Irish actor Liam Neeson where the Nazis commited a horrid genocide of the Jews and hero Oskar Schindler saved as many as he could from that fate. It was then that Gary the P knew what he must do! He began to furiously stomp the cockroach into the ground spilling guts all across the tapestries strewn about the hallway. The cockroach eventually died and Calara was safe!

"Oh Gary O'the P! That was so heroic! I don't know what I would have done without you!" she would have said had she not been covered in a paste of cockroach guts from the encounter after only just having a shower! What she really said was, "We could've just run away!"

"Well you're welcome, Miss Thankful!" Gary O'the P attempted to insult.

"That insult sucked worse than Irish rock band, U2's album "Pop"!" Calara burned.

"Whatever! We need to get back to our dear friend Charlie! He could have encountered our sworn enemy, Stan Devlin, played by Irish actor Cillian Murphy!" Gary O'the P said in a fake Scottish accent.

Rolling her eyes at the ethnicity stereotyping, Calara agreed, "Alright, but first put your clothes back on. I won't be unseeing that any time soon."

The two then thanked the elderly couple for the use of their bathroom and neglected to mention cockroach paste. The old couple smiled and waved pleasantly while sheathing their scimitars and turning off their oven.

Upon returning to Springfield City Hall, Gary O'the P and Calara came upon Charlie reloading his machine gun with 12 dead bodies lying around him circles!

"Charlie! Good work, man!" Gary O'the P coagulated.

Horrified, Calara conjured up the lyrics to the song "Sunday Bloody Sunday" by Irish rockers U2, and thought that the lyrics seemed pertinent to the situation, despite the fact that it was Tuesday.

"What's wrong, Calarararararararatylerrararara?" Gary O'the P the inquisitated, "Why aren't you celebrating Charlie's victory?!"

"This is horrific!! How is this our destiny?!" Calara said properly.

"Calara, all's fair in love and catching criminals," Gary O' the P responded whilst humming the National Anthem of Ireland.

Calara knew that she couldn't take this any longer and got into her Lotus Exige (a British car, imported from Dublin) and drove off, crying as she listened to Irish singer Van Morrison softly sing his hit album, Astral Weeks and thinking of how she wished Gary O'the P were famed Irish actor Pierce Brosnan, star of the 007 films Golden Eye and Tomorrow Never Dies. This may be the end of our heroes! But as Calara drove off, Gary O'the P knew he must win back her heart so he...


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