Thursday, January 5, 2012

Mysterio de los Muertes Part Cinco (5)

Gary the P was in full-on detective mode! He was on the trail! This "Hubert" had to be stopped at all costs, and only Gary the P and his faithful friend Calara could stop him! But what to do next?! They had a codename, a list of targets, and they even had the new Android smart phone from AT&T now featuring an unlimited data plan at only $25.00 a month! Sign up today at or visit your local AT&T store for details!

After several minutes of deep critical analysis of available options mostly consisting of Calara trying to convince Gary the P of how insanely asinine his quest was and Gary the P saying in a loud voice "LALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" in response, Gary the P decided that his first objective should be to warn the other mayorres. Using his new Android smart phone from AT&T, Gary the P dialed the Estacada, Oregon city hall number that he conveniently had saved into his phone from a previous misadventure and got in touch with the receptionist.

"Estacada, Oregon city hall. This is Karen. How may I help you?" she said WITH SUSPICIOUS TRANQUILITY CONSIDERING THE CIRCUMSTANCES!!!

"Hello, Karen! It's me! Gary the P! I need to speak with the mayor immediately!" Gary the P half-shouted, half-whispered into the Android smart phone from AT&T with unlimited text and rollover minutes for just $20.00 a month.

"Oh, you again. I'm sorry, but the mayor's restraining order hasn't expired yet and the restraining order strictly prohibits you being within one phone line of Mr. Mayor of Estacada. You'll have to call back in a few months."

"A few months?!?! But I need to speak with him now! His life is in danger!" Gary the P choked.

"Yes Yes, I'm sure," Karen said as she hung up her boring desk phone with a cord that doesn't have a touch screen like Gary the P's Android smart phone from AT&T.

Discouraged at the potential loss of political life, Gary the P pressed onward and dialed Phoenix City Hall whose number he guessed correctly. Unfortunately, no one answered. Furthur discouraged, Gary the P called every Springfield City Hall office in America whose numbers he conveniently had in his phone because of his class's senior prank in high school. On his last try, he reached the office of the right Springfield.


The mayor immediately hung up.

"Well, Calarara, that was an utter failure. All of these mayors are going to die because of me. It's too bad my Android smart phone from AT&T can do everything except save the lives of mayors," he said in his best interpretation of Morgan Freeman's voice.

Feeling slightly bad for the kid, Calara laid her hand on his shoulder and immediately retracted it when Gary the P shot his face around at the sudden caress with a frighteningly eager grin on his face. Nonetheless, she spoke to him.

"It'll be ok, Gary the P. If we stop this killer quickly, then there's no way he can kill the other mayorres," she said through barred teeth.

Realizing the truth in this statement, Gary the P knew what he must do next! Pee. AND THEN he must catch this killer! Gary the P began scanning his memory banks for anyone he knew named Hubert and could only come up with his Alzheimer's-suffering grandfather Hubert "Dale" Cumber. HIS FIRST SUSPECT!

With a reinvigorated spirit, Gary the P threw Calara into his truck and drove off to Sweet Holy Moses Retirement Center for the Dying Folk. This was it. The moment of truth.


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