Sunday, January 20, 2013

Part 20: Gratuitous Violence Supplied By Quentin Tarantino

Abraham looked at his hands tied up behind a chair in a dark chamber. He knew that his only chance of escaping this fortress was to use the stereotypical bobby pin that he had hidden up his sleeve to pick the lock of his handcuffs and then use the stereotypical knife he had hidden up his other sleeve to cut off the rope that was binding him and proceed to free his teammates. So, naturally, Abraham did this. He then proceeded to free LeForbes, Skye, and (after some hesitation) Officer.

"Alright, LeForbes. It's time to get inhumanly violent!" he said with a malicious grin.

"What about our souls?" asked Officer.

"Ha." laughed Abraham as he used the God Boots to create an arsenal befitting the nation of China, "We don't need no stinkin' souls."

Not worried about the MPAA, his influence on the youth of America, the negative effects of gun violence (That'd be ALL the effects of gun violence), the psychological damage such a slaughter could cause, or the sanctity human life, Abraham loaded up explosive rounds into his quadruple-barreled shotgun, screwed on his chainsaw/bayonet, hooked 5 napalm grenades around his belt, strapped on his jet pack/back pack full of other weapons and tossed more weapons to his teammates.

"Oh boy!" said LeForbes with child-like glee as Abraham tossed him a halberd that came with its own attack falcon.

"Just what I've always wanted!" chuckled Skye with delight as she was handed a Freeze Ray/Jackhammer that blasted Megadeth songs.

"Pfffffft. What do I look like? A 5-year old?" joked Officer as Abraham handed him a harpoon gun that launched whales instead of harpoons.

"Let's get physical," ordered Abraham as he donned his sweatbands.

The team burst through the door to the cell after disintegrating the hinges with acid. FeLorbes, General, Isaac, and Skoo were waiting on the other side of the door with equally morally-reprehensible weapons.

"We're bustin' outta here, Clyde!" Officer screamed at FeLorbes.

"The only thing you'll be busting out of tonight is your life!" he responded as he cocked his .999 magnum pistol and aimed it straight at Officer's face. He fired, but Officer did a barrel roll and evaded the shot. The bullet bounced off of the wall behind him and ricocheted into the overhead lamp which caused the lights to do a strobe effect as AC/DC started playing over the base's loudspeakers.

"Boys! Let's get ready to rumble!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" growled FeLorbes as dozens of Angelique's disposable minions came storming into the room.

"What do we do now?" asked Skye.

"We do what we've always done."

"Make more freaking plans?" she retorted.

"No," said Abraham, ignoring the snoot, "We treat this moment like a XXX-rated action film."

Abraham picked up a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it into the mouth of a minion. The minion exploded and what remained of him rained down on the room as fake blood/ketchup spewed everywhere. FeLorbes was noticeably impressed.

"I am impressed!" he said.

Then the battle was on! LeForbes used his attack falcon (which he had now dubbed Oliver M. Head) to distract the minions while he tore open their jugulars with his halberd all while scalping a Nazi for some reason.

Skye jackhammered a hole underneath the feet of some other minions and sent them plummeting into the core of the Earth. The core then erupted and the blast of lava roasted another dozen minions. Skye and LeForbes high-fived.

Officer then proceeded to launch a whale at a huge minion with a trident in orange spandex. There was a joke about Aqua Man to be made here somewhere, but the author couldn't find one that was funny and just let it be. Abraham then fired 618 bullets at 12 minions as they all exploded into oblivion. Abraham fist-pumped and Officer launched another whale just cause.

After all the minions were defeated, the team looked FeLorbes, General, Skoo, and Isaac in the eye. (Just one eye)


"Calm down. Your breath smells bad," burned FeLorbes, "All of your questions will be answered in due time. But for now, we still have a score to settle." At this, a lion emerged from a trap door underneath the villains' feet.

"I can't believe I didn't recognize him before!" yelped Skye, "That's Skoo the Lion King!"

"Oh no!" LeForbes FeLorbesed. Skoo the Lion King put on his lion-riding helmet (safety first!) and charged at the team! Click HERE to listen to the soundtrack for the next battle.

Skoo launched himself at the team. Skye countered the first strike by sticking a knife into the lion, but it just kept going.

"It just keeps going!" she observed.

"Quick! Grab this rope!" Abraham hollered as he found a handy-dandy rope. Skye grabbed the end of the rope.

"Distract him, Officer!" Abraham bossy boots'd.

Officer started playing peek-a-boo with the lion but the lion got angry that he could never figure out where Officer was disappearing to and charged at him.

"No, boy! No!" cooed Skoo smoothly. But it was too late! The lion tripped over the rope and sent Skoo flying into a wall! Abraham and Skye then shoved a shovel into the lion's head and twisted it around 500 times to make sure it was dead. Meanwhile, LeForbes and Officer handcuffed Skoo and put him on a helicopter to the U.S. where he would be given a fair trial before a jury of his peers. Victory had come, but at what cost?

No cost. That battle was awesome.

Alas! The other 3 members of Angelique's body guard force had escaped in the bamboozlement.

"This looks like a job for Jared!" said Skye.

"Yup," concurred Abraham.


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