Abraham looked around, frantically, wondering not only how he ended up on Mars but also at how he was managing to breathe. Abraham did not realize that science is optional in fiction. After thinking about his debacle for a good, long 7 Earth minutes (800 Mars minutes. Math is also optional in fiction), he decided that he should probably look for some way home so he could stop Angelique and save his "friends".
Abraham walked and walked and walked and walked and walked some more, because that's all you can do on the barren and lifeless planet of Mars, Jared. That's it. But eventually, after walking for an Earth hour (.34 Mars hours), Abraham spotted something up on a dusty hill devoid of all life and oxygen.
"Hey!" he called out, unwisely.
After he called out, the figure began moving towards him. Abraham drew his musket, put a lead ball in the barrel with his prodding stick, stuffed it with wadding, cocked the mechanism, put the stock up to his shoulder, and prepared to fire. However, the prep turned out to be unnecessary when the figure turned out to be The Mars Rover!
"Oh, it's just the Rover!" Abraham said with relief at not only the pleasant company but also at the fact that his eyeballs still were not boiling due to a lack of atmosphere.
"Howdy, there!" shouted Rover.
"ASGLI!!!" Abraham shouted in shock, "You... You... You..."
"Can talk! I know, right. That was the Martians' reaction too," he said in a voice akin to Billy Crystal's.
"There are Martians?!" Abraham disbeliefed.
"HA! No. That was a joke. This planet has nothing but rocks and dust. Hooray scientific curiosity," said Rover with obvious mechanical bitterness and sarcasm.
"Look, Rover. I need your help! An evil mass murderer has sent me here and has done God knows what to my companions! I need to get back to Earth and stop her. Can you help me?" yawned Abraham (He had not slept in a few weeks at this point)
"I think I have just the thing to help you!" Rover plot deviced. He scooted up a nearby hill before turning back around to address Abraham, "Well are you coming or not?!"
Abraham caught the "hint" and hurried after Rover. They trekked along the Martian plain for 30 Earth minutes (12 Mars years) until they reached a large crater.
"What is this?" polled Abraham.
"This, my dear friend, is the greatest discovery in the history of all time! It's a spaceship of mass destruction equipped with plasma warheads and superior alien technology!" Rover bragged.
"Wait. I thought you said there was nothing but rocks and dust on this planet," Abraham rememoried.
"Yeah, I'm just programmed to say that to anyone who asks, but I've never been too fond of programming. I'm a FREEEEEEEEEEEEE SPIRIT!!!" Rover whooped.
Ignoring the ramifications of an unshackled and free-thinking A.I., Abraham proceeded to speak in real talk:
"Can I take this space craft?" he asked.
"Absolutely not!" Rover chastised. Abraham was hating NASA more and more every second.
"THENHOWAMISUPPSOSEDTOGETBACKTOMYPLANETYOUSTUPIDPIECEOFMETAL?!?!?!?!?!" Abraham one-worded.
"Calm down, Lincoln! I've got a plan. You humans and your silly emotions!" sighed Rover, "Anyways, there's a small escort craft that crashed right on the other side of this behemoth. You can take that if you want. Its weapons systems are of no use to me."
Abraham once again ignored signs of an impending robot overthrow and climbed into the escort craft.
"Thanks, Rover!" Abraham shouted.
"No problem! See ya next year!" Rover assumed.
With this, Abraham zoomed off towards Earth. After touching down in Somalia, he began to search the nation for clues. Luckily, he found a note from Angelique fairly early on.
So you managed to get back to Earth? CongratuFREAKINGlations. Unforunately for you, you are now a pawn in my game! MUAHAHAHAHAhaha!!!!! I have kidnapped your comrades and hidden them away in super secret locations. If you manage to rescue one comrade, then I will reveal the location of the next and so on. You get the gist. At each location you must complete a deadly and mentally taxing trial if you wish to save your comrade. First, you must rescue Officer Policemann, and I hope you like the blues because he's being hidden away in the Mississippi delta! I will give you the details of the first trial when you arrive at Officer's location. If you succeed, I will tell you where I'm hiding LeForbes. Let the games begin!!!!!!
Abraham then knew exactly what he must do (because it was detailed in a lengthy letter to him). He was off to Mississippi!
TO BE CONTINUED BY JARED "FFFFWHACKABAM!" SEALE.